If you're a friend of mine on Facebook, you've probably seen my posts about "Prints for a Purpose". I LOVE designing/creating and decided to use this as a way to help raise money for our move to Taiwan.
I'll be honest for a minute though...it's been scary. While I LOVE doing designing, the thought of having people see these creations and like them or not like them (and ultimately buy or not buy them) petrifies me. I don't like putting myself or my designs out there. At all. I've been making things like these prints for a long time, but it's always been for personal use or once we brought Maleeya home, I made some for her.
But I've let fear control my life for a long time. I worked for a telephone book company up until about a year ago and was just getting into designing ads (and I use the term designing very loosely as they were just text-based ads) and I absolutely loved it. But to be a graphic designer at that company required a graphics degree. And while I may have been able to apply but I don't know that I would have been able to get the job. So suddenly I felt inadequate.
However I wanted to help our family as much as I could with moving expenses so I took a leap of faith and released just a few prints. And while the response was not overwhelming, I did get a few orders. So I branched out and created a Facebook page and Instagram account (@PrintsforaPurpose). After a few more orders I started looking into a website that would allow customers an easier way to order. Enter Storenvy.
I thought I would open a shop on Etsy, but didn't like their fee structure (and apparently there's someone out there with a shop by my business name, although I never could find it). After checking into a few options I settled on Storenvy. There are absolutely no fees to list items. The only fees you incur will be those from PayPal. (And you have those with Etsy as well.) It's been a little stressful to get the store set up, but there are lots of options in the design of it, which is nice. I think I have it tentatively set up, so if you want to check it out, just go here (or there's a logo in the upper right-hand corner that will take you there as well). I have a sweet deal going on now, too, the first person to purchase a print through the store will receive another one (of my choosing) absolutely free! So hurry over! I also have it set up where if I meet you in person to deliver your print and you don't have cash, I can take your payment through PayPal with just a quick swipe of your card, too.
So if you've been scared of sharing your talent, I understand. But if you let go of that fear, I think you'll be amazed at what you can do!
Monday, August 18, 2014
Monday, July 14, 2014
Finally.
It's summer.
That means fun in the sun. Vacations. Swimming. Grilling. Gardening. Time with family. Camping. Canoeing.
Happiness.
And it's been most of those things for us. We've spent almost every day outside. At least for a few hours a day.
Last month we brought home 2 kittens from my parent's house and Maleeya has loved getting to play with them. She named them Daezie and Miley. But I really didn't like Miley as it's also a human name (and I don't like mixing the two) so I changed it to Maezie. I wanted to start teaching her how to be gentle and kind. Let's just say it's a lesson she has to relearn every day.
We also bought a trampoline last month off of Craigslist. (Umm...$40 for a trampoline? Yes please!) It's been a lot of fun. Jumping, jumping and more jumping. Maleeya loves it! She'd been asking for one for awhile and we were looking for an outlet for all of her energy (in hopes she would start sleeping better at night). But I've also found it works as a great place to suntan. And with the beautiful cooler temps we've been having, it's worked perfectly.
Beautiful weather has also meant a great garden! We didn't think we would be here through the summer so we didn't plant much, just green beans and corn (although hubby later planted a few more things). We've been able to can several quarts of green beans and freeze some quart bags of corn. Not to mention having corn on the cob for several meals (and I've tried grilling it this year!). And speaking of grilling...a grill was seriously the best invention ever. Okay, maybe not the best, but it's up there on the list. I think we grilled every night last week. Food just tastes better when it's grilled. (And there's minimal mess in the kitchen, and no need to use the stove/oven so it's a win-win!)
This year we get to go on a family vacation. And. I'm. so. excited!!! We'll also get to camp, so we can check that off the list. And swimming. Lots and lots of swimming.
This has also been a tough summer. I really thought we would have been in Taiwan by now. And maybe have our second child. But neither of those has happened yet. And we don't seem to be any closer than we were 6 months ago. It's been hard. The laughter and fun we've had together so far has been like a band-aid. It's just covering the wound.
Our house is still for sale. We're still exploring options for our next child. And we're still waiting. But trying to enjoy our summer. Together. As a family. <3
Please be in prayer for these requests:
- Our family as we wait, for Taiwan and our adoption.
- Our next child, wherever he or she is from.
- The new adoption laws that go into effect today. They're already proving to be complicated and frustrating. And may cost us extra money. I'm afraid they're going to discourage families from pursuing international adoption. And that makes my heart hurt.
- The Home of God's Love. In addition to being the wonderful place our daughter spent the first several months of her life, it's also where we hope to begin our ministry. They're having some complications getting approved to continue adoptions. And they just built a beautiful new building that would ultimately allow them to take in more babies.
- The sale of our house. I know there's a buyer out there. It's been a frustrating process so far.
Thank you for loving our family and for praying for and supporting us!
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
More on Parenting Techniques
I thought this was an interesting quote: "Emotional reactivity is a sign of unfinished business." This can be applied to us as parents and to our children...
Since there are several techniques/tools/strategies to cover, I will just jump in and list/describe each in as much detail as possible (Dr. Purvis has a video that includes several of these if you would like to watch it as well):
Manage transitions
Allow time for a change. (One great tool mentioned for this is a "time-timer". There is an app as well as one you can purchase through Amazon. I downloaded the app on my phone and I put it on my daughter's iPod. It is helpful for kids to see the time when you tell them "you have 5 minutes left".) This will begin to help kids learn time management.
Offer encouragement and praise liberally
Can not emphasize this one enough. Your littles will thrive on it. And when you tell any of your kids, regardless of their age, "I'm proud of you", it speaks volumes!
Give choices as often as you can
The "go to" choice would be, "you have a choice, I can do it with you or you can do it by yourself." (More on this below under Sharing the Power.)
Share the Power
Now, before you run away screaming, let me first explain what this does not mean. This does not mean that we allow our children to become equals with us and we have to be their best friend or allow them to dictate to us how things will go. Instead, it's us showing them that even though we are in control, we can allow some choices in their lives; we are proving that the power is ours to share. Sharing power sends the message that the relationship is focused on win-win outcomes. This can be as simple as "the blue pants or the red pants" or as complex as "you can go to the movie Friday or to the mall on Saturday". Obviously age will dictate how big of a choice they get. Another piece of this is compromises. Maybe you asked your daughter to sit at the table in the kitchen, but she asks if she can sit in her chair in the living room instead. Whether you allow this or not may mostly depend on the manner in which she asks {you want the child to learn respect for those in authority through all of this}. Or, maybe you have a rule in your house that all meals are eaten at the table. Obviously to say yes to this compromise is to go against one of family rules - which may be the very reason she is asking. An important thing to keep in mind is "does this really matter?" If you don't have any kind of rules for where a meal has to be eaten, what will it hurt for her to eat in the living room?
Redo's (i.e. "try it again")
This is one method that, to be honest, I scoffed at when she first mentioned it. I mean, really, the point is to make them mind, right? So if they don't do it right the first time, they deserve to be punished, right? This was my thinking, right up until she tied it into our relationship with our heavenly Father. He doesn't treat us like that. He offers forgiveness time after time after time, no matter how much we mess up. Goodness, I got put in my place rather quickly. To save time and space, this really does work. You have to go into it with a very calm attitude. And you have to keep trying. We use the phrase, "can you try that again?" And the first few days, you will probably receive some weird looks and some attitude. But keep at it. Just like anything else we want to master in life, it takes practice, and with parenting, even more practice. Using this technique will hopefully prevent behaviors from escalating. It's an effective way to teach and reconnect after the escalation is over as well. Generally, redo's are not effective while your child is escalated, so try to wait until your child is calm before leading him/her through a redo.
Life Value Scripts
These short, sweet, and to-the-point phrases will hopefully help keep you from slipping into lecture mode. {Kids, especially when they're younger, don't listen when we start lecturing, so we lose the opportunity to correct and connect.} The key is to repeat, repeat, repeat. And for us as parents to be kind and loving while saying them. Here are a few:
This is not intended to be a punishment. It's an opportunity to help your child (and you) calm down so that effective correction and reconnection is possible. It is when you keep the child in visual proximity. It isn't timed, instead it's about letting the child self-regulate. Once he has calmed down, he is given a redo or choices. While in this "time-in", the child is given something to do, such as drawing on a Magna-Doodle. You're not rewarding their negative behavior, instead you are wanting to let him know his current behavior is unacceptable and until he can get control, he will have to do something else. Here is a link and a video that expounds upon this one even more. We have not used this one yet, so I don't have any insight to add. The major difference between this and "time-outs" is that you are not sending the child away, a very important thing to remember for your adopted child or one coming from trauma. He needs to know you still want him and love him but he needs to change his behavior.
Consequences
When you need to impose a consequence for your child's behavior, there are 4 things to keep in mind, it needs to be:
Cry-it-out/Ferber sleep method
Weused tried to use both of these. And up until last weekend, I just assumed it didn't work with our daughter (the Ferber method worked, at least for a little while, but it about killed me!). Both of these methods at their very core say to allow a child to self-sooth in order to get back to sleep (or to go to sleep). But for children coming from orphanages or those with trauma in their background, this can cause more problems than we realize as parents. Yes, we would LOVE to have a good nights sleep, but if we are inflicting psychological damage to our children, is it worth it? Children coming from uncaring orphanages are generally left alone anyway and may possibly come home sleeping pretty well, but even those in good orphanages where their needs are met, may not be soothed if they wake up in the middle of the night from a night-terror (even in good orphanages, the staff to child ratio might be 1:4). Or, when there's a storm outside and they wake up and are scared, they may not be immediately comforted, so once home, storms may terrorize them. Or what about the child that was harmed in the night? Nights may absolutely frighten her! And if we are forcing them to self-sooth, we are saying to them that we don't care that they're scared. (And we're also trying to reestablish that trust cycle as parents to this child.) Sometimes it may take picking her up out of her crib and rocking her back to sleep, other times it may mean that we're patting her on the back reassuring her that we're there. But, just like the methods above, connection is the key and these methods don't leave much room for that. And we have a child that does not sleep through the night right now! It's hard when you're both exhausted and you just want a good nights sleep. For more than 4 or 5 hours at a time. Try to think of your child in the midst of the hard times. You are helping a child become a functioning, independent child/adult. It will be worth it. (If you don't believe me, just talk to your parents!) ;)
Where does spanking fit in?
Okay, you knew it was coming...I'll finish this post up by speaking a little bit on spanking. The Bible does speak a lot on spanking...or "the rod" and specifically "not sparing the rod". My husband and I both grew up in homes where we were spanked, pretty much as the sole method of discipline. As I got older my sisters and I were also grounded. So, it's no surprise that we were 110% on board with spanking our kids when we got married and even after we brought our daughter home. And this can sometimes be effective. But just like any good carpenter knows, you need several tools in your tool belt to do a job effectively, and parenting is no different. So, I'm not saying "don't spank", what I am trying to say is that you need to understand your child and her background and make sure that spanking will not damage the relationship between the two of you or cause psychological damage to her. I know some reading this may totally disagree and think that if you don't spank very much, you risk that child becoming an disobedient, willful teenager that causes nothing but problems and is disrespectful to everyone they meet. To them I would say, that can still happen to the child that you do spank. Speaking from experience, spanking doesn't leave a lot of room for correcting the behavior as much as it does trying to bend the child's will to your own. And yes, for the strong-willed child you are supposed to "break their will not their spirit". But I think there are other ways to do that than just spanking and grounding. I have to say, Dr. Purvis is very knowledgeable and her insight into all of this has been very helpful! I truly hope you find some hope and encouragement from all of this as I have! I hope our goal for ourselves as parents, is to be the best parent possible so that we can lead our children to Jesus. So if that's the goal, in the end will it matter if all we've ever done is spank or we've used several of these methods as long as our children grow up loving Jesus and enter into a life-long relationship with Him?
I have started a page (up above) where I will try to start putting resources used in my posts as well as any others I find helpful. If you have any that have been useful to you just let me know and I will see about including it as well!
Since there are several techniques/tools/strategies to cover, I will just jump in and list/describe each in as much detail as possible (Dr. Purvis has a video that includes several of these if you would like to watch it as well):
Manage transitions
Allow time for a change. (One great tool mentioned for this is a "time-timer". There is an app as well as one you can purchase through Amazon. I downloaded the app on my phone and I put it on my daughter's iPod. It is helpful for kids to see the time when you tell them "you have 5 minutes left".) This will begin to help kids learn time management.
Offer encouragement and praise liberally
Can not emphasize this one enough. Your littles will thrive on it. And when you tell any of your kids, regardless of their age, "I'm proud of you", it speaks volumes!
Give choices as often as you can
The "go to" choice would be, "you have a choice, I can do it with you or you can do it by yourself." (More on this below under Sharing the Power.)
Share the Power
Now, before you run away screaming, let me first explain what this does not mean. This does not mean that we allow our children to become equals with us and we have to be their best friend or allow them to dictate to us how things will go. Instead, it's us showing them that even though we are in control, we can allow some choices in their lives; we are proving that the power is ours to share. Sharing power sends the message that the relationship is focused on win-win outcomes. This can be as simple as "the blue pants or the red pants" or as complex as "you can go to the movie Friday or to the mall on Saturday". Obviously age will dictate how big of a choice they get. Another piece of this is compromises. Maybe you asked your daughter to sit at the table in the kitchen, but she asks if she can sit in her chair in the living room instead. Whether you allow this or not may mostly depend on the manner in which she asks {you want the child to learn respect for those in authority through all of this}. Or, maybe you have a rule in your house that all meals are eaten at the table. Obviously to say yes to this compromise is to go against one of family rules - which may be the very reason she is asking. An important thing to keep in mind is "does this really matter?" If you don't have any kind of rules for where a meal has to be eaten, what will it hurt for her to eat in the living room?
Redo's (i.e. "try it again")
This is one method that, to be honest, I scoffed at when she first mentioned it. I mean, really, the point is to make them mind, right? So if they don't do it right the first time, they deserve to be punished, right? This was my thinking, right up until she tied it into our relationship with our heavenly Father. He doesn't treat us like that. He offers forgiveness time after time after time, no matter how much we mess up. Goodness, I got put in my place rather quickly. To save time and space, this really does work. You have to go into it with a very calm attitude. And you have to keep trying. We use the phrase, "can you try that again?" And the first few days, you will probably receive some weird looks and some attitude. But keep at it. Just like anything else we want to master in life, it takes practice, and with parenting, even more practice. Using this technique will hopefully prevent behaviors from escalating. It's an effective way to teach and reconnect after the escalation is over as well. Generally, redo's are not effective while your child is escalated, so try to wait until your child is calm before leading him/her through a redo.
Life Value Scripts
These short, sweet, and to-the-point phrases will hopefully help keep you from slipping into lecture mode. {Kids, especially when they're younger, don't listen when we start lecturing, so we lose the opportunity to correct and connect.} The key is to repeat, repeat, repeat. And for us as parents to be kind and loving while saying them. Here are a few:
- No hit, no hurts
- Be kind and gentle
- Ask permission
- Show respect
- Listen and obey {we use this one a LOT}
- Obey first time
- Asking or telling? {started using this one - and it's adorable when she says "telling"} :)
- Say again with respect {another one we use}
- Help one another
- Stick together
- Be on time
- Remember we are one family
- Be tolerant of each other
- Keep your promise
- Wait to speak. I will listen {this one works really well, even for a toddler!}
- Use your inside voice
- Use your words {I had been using, "don't whine, use your words"}
This is not intended to be a punishment. It's an opportunity to help your child (and you) calm down so that effective correction and reconnection is possible. It is when you keep the child in visual proximity. It isn't timed, instead it's about letting the child self-regulate. Once he has calmed down, he is given a redo or choices. While in this "time-in", the child is given something to do, such as drawing on a Magna-Doodle. You're not rewarding their negative behavior, instead you are wanting to let him know his current behavior is unacceptable and until he can get control, he will have to do something else. Here is a link and a video that expounds upon this one even more. We have not used this one yet, so I don't have any insight to add. The major difference between this and "time-outs" is that you are not sending the child away, a very important thing to remember for your adopted child or one coming from trauma. He needs to know you still want him and love him but he needs to change his behavior.
Consequences
When you need to impose a consequence for your child's behavior, there are 4 things to keep in mind, it needs to be:
- Related
- Reasonable
- Respectful
- Revealed in advance
Cry-it-out/Ferber sleep method
We
Where does spanking fit in?
Okay, you knew it was coming...I'll finish this post up by speaking a little bit on spanking. The Bible does speak a lot on spanking...or "the rod" and specifically "not sparing the rod". My husband and I both grew up in homes where we were spanked, pretty much as the sole method of discipline. As I got older my sisters and I were also grounded. So, it's no surprise that we were 110% on board with spanking our kids when we got married and even after we brought our daughter home. And this can sometimes be effective. But just like any good carpenter knows, you need several tools in your tool belt to do a job effectively, and parenting is no different. So, I'm not saying "don't spank", what I am trying to say is that you need to understand your child and her background and make sure that spanking will not damage the relationship between the two of you or cause psychological damage to her. I know some reading this may totally disagree and think that if you don't spank very much, you risk that child becoming an disobedient, willful teenager that causes nothing but problems and is disrespectful to everyone they meet. To them I would say, that can still happen to the child that you do spank. Speaking from experience, spanking doesn't leave a lot of room for correcting the behavior as much as it does trying to bend the child's will to your own. And yes, for the strong-willed child you are supposed to "break their will not their spirit". But I think there are other ways to do that than just spanking and grounding. I have to say, Dr. Purvis is very knowledgeable and her insight into all of this has been very helpful! I truly hope you find some hope and encouragement from all of this as I have! I hope our goal for ourselves as parents, is to be the best parent possible so that we can lead our children to Jesus. So if that's the goal, in the end will it matter if all we've ever done is spank or we've used several of these methods as long as our children grow up loving Jesus and enter into a life-long relationship with Him?
I have started a page (up above) where I will try to start putting resources used in my posts as well as any others I find helpful. If you have any that have been useful to you just let me know and I will see about including it as well!
Monday, March 3, 2014
Applying the "Connecting While Correcting" Approach
So, since you have read about some of the tools involved in "connecting while correcting", now what?
The "Connecting While Correcting" approach can also be called "trust-based parenting". Believe it or not, while applying this to your parenting, it can also help your marriage. This video will explain it a little more.
The key principle for "connecting while correcting" is that you should always apply the least amount of correction necessary to stop and correct the behavior. This is referred to as the Levels of Response, which are:
IDEAL Response
Developed by Dr. Purvis is an effective way for parents to remember and apply the "connecting while correcting" approach:
The "Connecting While Correcting" approach can also be called "trust-based parenting". Believe it or not, while applying this to your parenting, it can also help your marriage. This video will explain it a little more.
The key principle for "connecting while correcting" is that you should always apply the least amount of correction necessary to stop and correct the behavior. This is referred to as the Levels of Response, which are:
- Level 1: Playful Engagement - you try to redirect the child's behavior with playful engagement
- Level 2: Structured Engagement - attempt to redirect through choices
- Level 3: Calming Engagement (aka "the train has stopped") - for verbally aggressive behaviors, attempt to redirect with "time-in" or "think-it-over"
- Level 4: Protective Engagement - this is for when the child has become a danger to himself or those around him, you attempt to redirect through physical interruption of the physical aggression
IDEAL Response
Developed by Dr. Purvis is an effective way for parents to remember and apply the "connecting while correcting" approach:
- Immediate (don't wait until Daddy is home - at least for most scenarios)
- Direct (deal with the issue at hand)
- Efficient
- Action-based (it's not person/identity-based)
- Leveled at the behavior, not at the child
Introduction to Parenting Techniques
I'm going to break this into 2 posts, so it's not overly long. This will be the introduction to everything and then I'll follow up with specific techniques.
Like I mentioned in this post, one thing you must realize when parenting an adopted child or a child who experienced trauma before/during/after birth, is that many parenting techniques/styles used for other children may not be effective with your child. And that is okay. Every child is different! And parenting techniques you use with one of your children, may not work with another.
Probably the most important idea covered in this breakout session was connection is key (check out this video from Karyn Purvis). No matter the parenting technique you have to use, as long as the goal is connection, you're moving in the right direction! After all, our God is compassionate, loving and slow to anger and His goal is for us to have a relationship with Him, so we as parents need to model this with our children, as this will also help them when they {hopefully} begin a relationship with Christ. When we simply want our children to comply with what we asked and become overbearing, we risk losing any relationship we had with them, and instead one of these will likely be the outcome:
- Deferred behavior
- Disconnection
- Discontentment
- Learn to trust
- Discover his/her voice
- Learn to self-regulate
- Understand his/her own preciousness
- {I would add that this helps them establish a healthy independence as well}
A tool you can use that will help you begin to examine what causes your child's behavior {especially the "undesirable" behavior} is the Parent’s Exploratory Journal {an example of this is given on page 3}. The handout we were given expounded upon it a little more; rather than just "Date", it has: "Who is in the room/To whom is the behavior directed? Where does this usually occur?" The speaker suggested keeping this on your refrigerator or somewhere you can remember to take note of it.
Another important thing she talked about was voice control - how we talk to our children, especially when correcting. If we raise our voice too high and begin to lose control ourselves, our child won't even be able to understand what we're saying {or if we slip into lecture mode}. We need to learn to maintain our cool in the midst of our child's meltdown. And I know, it is HARD! So hard. But remind yourself that you are the adult and they are the child. Don't stoop down to her level. This will hopefully help teach her to self-regulate as well, because she is seeing you model the very behavior you're striving for. If you have trouble with this, try to whisper when you're in the midst of one of the battles with your child. You'll be surprised at how effectively this gets their attention.
When we are correcting, here are some things to keep in mind:
1. You want eye contact, but sometimes that's hard to get. If you're child won't look at you, gently use 1 finger to bring her chin up (and this is a very quick motion), while asking "can I see those eyes?". And if that's not working, put something fun and interesting around your eyes so she wants to look at you.
2. Be aware that your body position and non-verbal communication speak loudly. Try to get down on your child's level when talking to her. Literally. If you can't get on your knees very easily, bring her up to your lap. Our facial expressions are very important as well, and as young as your child is, she will notice how you're looking at her.
3. Sometimes we need an outlet so we are not taking our frustrations out on our kids. This might mean we get intentional about spending some quiet time with God each day {or several times a day!} or get together with our girlfriends each week and just vent. We need to be better about being honest with our friends. And as a friend, we need to make sure we're there to listen if needed, and not judge.
Let's face it, parenting is hard! Super-duper hard. Holy cow, I never imagined it would be like this, hard! Seriously. But I have to say it has magnified my need for Jesus. Can NOT imagine doing this without Him. Learning to keep your balance in the midst of it all is very important!
Next up, specific techniques covered in this breakout session. Stay tuned!
All About Attachment
So if after reading the first post in this series, you felt a little depressed, don't worry, you're not alone! I have to say I felt like the worst parent ever after this session (Connecting While Correcting). Seriously. There was SOOOO much information in this session, most of which left me feeling like I was failing because of the parenting methods we've been using. :) But, there was a lot of HOPE and encouragement offered as well. I'll try to share some of that with you in this post...
For starters, if you have a child "from a hard place" or that suffered trauma before/during/after birth, you might need to let go of every technique you've heard used. Good, bad or ugly. The Christian-based ones and those based on the opinions of your parents, friends, relatives, etc, because, I'm here to tell you, these methods may not be very effective with your child. And I wish that's what people would understand - every child is different and you have to develop and use what works with your child.
There is a bonding cycle that every child, no matter what age and no matter when they enter your life, will go through. If you make it through the cycle correctly, it will foster trust between you and the child and develop a healthy attachment. If it's not done correctly, you will struggle with this child possibly his whole life. Here is the way that cycle should look:
There is also what's referred to as the "lower cycle", between "baby cries" (or arousal) and "needs met by caregiver" (or response). It's here where, I think, most parents begin to loose their cool with their child. This lower cycle happens because we respond to the child's behavior, rather than addressing the need causing the behavior. One way to try and figure out the cause is to go through what the speaker called HATS, an acronym that stands for (H)unger, (A)nger, (T)ired, (S)ick. (I would add - (P)ain to it to make it PHATS. Maleeya is having growing pains right now, and I'm not sure it would fall under one of the other categories, but it definitely affects her. Teething is another major one that we went through. I think emotional pain could also fall under this category.)
You can assume that your child is acting the way he is because he's having one of these issues. And we learned that when a child is stuck in one of these 4 (or 5) issues, their brains can not function normally, they lose their ability to self-regulate. So the whining, fussing, crying, etc, is happening to alert you to their issue, and until you take the time to figure out what the issue is, the behavior will not stop. This means, you need to stop what you're doing and take the time to address your child. For older children, you can go through each one of the issues and ask them what's wrong, and hopefully they will be able to verbalize what they need. For a younger child, you may have to try several different options - give her a snack, check to see if something she's wearing, touching, etc is bothering her, you may have to lay down with her and see if she just needs to rest or maybe she's beginning to get sick (or maybe she's teething, having growing pains, etc.).
One thing addressed in conjunction with this info was schedules. I was 110% in favor of one when we brought our daughter home. And she had been on one from the time she arrived into care. (Side note, there is NOTHING wrong with schedules! For some they work, for others, they don't. Sometimes, especially in institutionalized care, they're definitely needed. The main point was that schedules will affect a child's brain, depending on how she was responded to if she gets off the schedule.) One thing to keep in mind with schedules is that a child's needs change and we need to allow room for those changes. There will be times where there are anomalies: grow spurts, a feeding in which the child didn't eat, teething, learning new things, etc., and all of these things will affect a child's behavior in some way. Or maybe she could just use some quality time with Mommy or Daddy. While children do need structure, they need the nurture as well. I think oftentimes as parents we use schedules/structure because it's more convenient for us. Getting your child down for a nap or to bed at a certain time is very convenient, but I realized after last weekend, I had been doing it because I wanted some down time or wanted some time to relax before going to bed.
If you take anything away from this post, it's that attachment is very important in those early days/months/years of a child's life (and this is true whether the child is bio or adopted). Oftentimes with adoption we don't always get to be the one providing care for the child in those early years. The great thing though, is that you can go through the attachment cycle with your child at any age, thus effectively rewiring the child's brain. The older the child, the harder it may be and the more time and effort it may take, but it is possible. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you're struggling with this (another valuable lesson learned at the retreat!). Seek out professional help if necessary. But don't give up. Just when I wondered if we were actually going to get through to Maleeya or if we would have to deal with her behavior for another couple of years while she is going through "the toddler stage", I started using some of the techniques the speaker talked about, and we're already noticing a difference. It's never too late!
In the next blog post, I'll try to talk about some of those parenting techniques.
For starters, if you have a child "from a hard place" or that suffered trauma before/during/after birth, you might need to let go of every technique you've heard used. Good, bad or ugly. The Christian-based ones and those based on the opinions of your parents, friends, relatives, etc, because, I'm here to tell you, these methods may not be very effective with your child. And I wish that's what people would understand - every child is different and you have to develop and use what works with your child.
There is a bonding cycle that every child, no matter what age and no matter when they enter your life, will go through. If you make it through the cycle correctly, it will foster trust between you and the child and develop a healthy attachment. If it's not done correctly, you will struggle with this child possibly his whole life. Here is the way that cycle should look:
There is also what's referred to as the "lower cycle", between "baby cries" (or arousal) and "needs met by caregiver" (or response). It's here where, I think, most parents begin to loose their cool with their child. This lower cycle happens because we respond to the child's behavior, rather than addressing the need causing the behavior. One way to try and figure out the cause is to go through what the speaker called HATS, an acronym that stands for (H)unger, (A)nger, (T)ired, (S)ick. (I would add - (P)ain to it to make it PHATS. Maleeya is having growing pains right now, and I'm not sure it would fall under one of the other categories, but it definitely affects her. Teething is another major one that we went through. I think emotional pain could also fall under this category.)
You can assume that your child is acting the way he is because he's having one of these issues. And we learned that when a child is stuck in one of these 4 (or 5) issues, their brains can not function normally, they lose their ability to self-regulate. So the whining, fussing, crying, etc, is happening to alert you to their issue, and until you take the time to figure out what the issue is, the behavior will not stop. This means, you need to stop what you're doing and take the time to address your child. For older children, you can go through each one of the issues and ask them what's wrong, and hopefully they will be able to verbalize what they need. For a younger child, you may have to try several different options - give her a snack, check to see if something she's wearing, touching, etc is bothering her, you may have to lay down with her and see if she just needs to rest or maybe she's beginning to get sick (or maybe she's teething, having growing pains, etc.).
One thing addressed in conjunction with this info was schedules. I was 110% in favor of one when we brought our daughter home. And she had been on one from the time she arrived into care. (Side note, there is NOTHING wrong with schedules! For some they work, for others, they don't. Sometimes, especially in institutionalized care, they're definitely needed. The main point was that schedules will affect a child's brain, depending on how she was responded to if she gets off the schedule.) One thing to keep in mind with schedules is that a child's needs change and we need to allow room for those changes. There will be times where there are anomalies: grow spurts, a feeding in which the child didn't eat, teething, learning new things, etc., and all of these things will affect a child's behavior in some way. Or maybe she could just use some quality time with Mommy or Daddy. While children do need structure, they need the nurture as well. I think oftentimes as parents we use schedules/structure because it's more convenient for us. Getting your child down for a nap or to bed at a certain time is very convenient, but I realized after last weekend, I had been doing it because I wanted some down time or wanted some time to relax before going to bed.
If you take anything away from this post, it's that attachment is very important in those early days/months/years of a child's life (and this is true whether the child is bio or adopted). Oftentimes with adoption we don't always get to be the one providing care for the child in those early years. The great thing though, is that you can go through the attachment cycle with your child at any age, thus effectively rewiring the child's brain. The older the child, the harder it may be and the more time and effort it may take, but it is possible. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you're struggling with this (another valuable lesson learned at the retreat!). Seek out professional help if necessary. But don't give up. Just when I wondered if we were actually going to get through to Maleeya or if we would have to deal with her behavior for another couple of years while she is going through "the toddler stage", I started using some of the techniques the speaker talked about, and we're already noticing a difference. It's never too late!
In the next blog post, I'll try to talk about some of those parenting techniques.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
It's Not Her Fault
At the Joy in the Journey retreat, I attended 3 different breakout sessions. The first was entitled, "Not What I Expected", the second was "Connecting While Correcting" and the last was a panel of adopted adults. While they were all VERY good and VERY insightful, probably the most impacting and life-changing was the second one, "Connecting While Correcting". Seriously. I had NO idea so much information that was going to help me parent could be contained in a 2-hour session.
Since we brought our daughter home as an "infant" - 7.5 months, I never really thought she would have attachment issues or be a child from "a hard place". And now that she's 3, I've just thought of her "issues" (although none of them are major!), as being typical toddler behavior. But after this weekend, I learned that while in her birth mom's tummy, things happened to her that were out of her control that affected the wiring of her brain.
We also learned that while in utero, the birth mother's cortisol levels are passed on to the baby. Studies have found that if you measure the amount of cortisol in a baby's brain at birth it will actually match the mother's. So, if the mom is under a lot of stress through the pregnancy, the baby is, too, and that is affecting the way the child's brain is wired. Then if there's trauma while giving birth, it also affects the child's brain. And on top of all of that, if the child has to spend any time away from the mom in an incubator or a NICU unit, not receiving a loving touch, they're already beginning to associate touch with pain (because most of the touch they will receive is poking and prodding). This is why there are children who have some sensory processing disorders. (Another issue that can arise with orphaned children is when there are unresponsive caregivers, either the parents or the staff at the orphanage. This will begin to "teach" the child that when they have a need, no one will be there to meet it.)
Now, before you get depressed and start thinking "well, my child has gone through all of that...I guess they're just stuck like that", there is GOOD news! A child's brain CAN be rewired! At any age!
Here are some resources to check out if you think you have a child suffering because of this...because, truly, it's not her fault!
Is it adoption related? video
Understanding sensory processing video
Handout on Empowering Our Kids To Succeed
Since we brought our daughter home as an "infant" - 7.5 months, I never really thought she would have attachment issues or be a child from "a hard place". And now that she's 3, I've just thought of her "issues" (although none of them are major!), as being typical toddler behavior. But after this weekend, I learned that while in her birth mom's tummy, things happened to her that were out of her control that affected the wiring of her brain.
We also learned that while in utero, the birth mother's cortisol levels are passed on to the baby. Studies have found that if you measure the amount of cortisol in a baby's brain at birth it will actually match the mother's. So, if the mom is under a lot of stress through the pregnancy, the baby is, too, and that is affecting the way the child's brain is wired. Then if there's trauma while giving birth, it also affects the child's brain. And on top of all of that, if the child has to spend any time away from the mom in an incubator or a NICU unit, not receiving a loving touch, they're already beginning to associate touch with pain (because most of the touch they will receive is poking and prodding). This is why there are children who have some sensory processing disorders. (Another issue that can arise with orphaned children is when there are unresponsive caregivers, either the parents or the staff at the orphanage. This will begin to "teach" the child that when they have a need, no one will be there to meet it.)
Now, before you get depressed and start thinking "well, my child has gone through all of that...I guess they're just stuck like that", there is GOOD news! A child's brain CAN be rewired! At any age!
Here are some resources to check out if you think you have a child suffering because of this...because, truly, it's not her fault!
Is it adoption related? video
Understanding sensory processing video
Handout on Empowering Our Kids To Succeed
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
There is Joy
It's been awhile since I've posted anything on here. God is working and moving in our family and we've got some news to share before too long. I feel like our life has kind of been on hold this year and I'm so ready to move forward. :) Buuutttt, it's going to be a week or two before we can share anything more...
This weekend I was blessed to attend the first ever adoption retreat called Joy in the Journey. Such a wonderful, refreshing weekend that left me feeling like there is hope, that maybe I (with Jesus' help!) can do this thing called parenting. There was also lots of connecting and reconnecting with about 90 other women, having fun and worshiping Jesus with other mommies who just "get it" when it comes to adoption. I've come to realize just how important having this fellowship with these adoptive moms (and families) is. I'm so thankful for each of the speakers, for their honesty and transparency while sharing their heart for adoption. I walked away a changed mommy and wife with more wisdom, insight and tools than I can wrap my brain around!
Over the next few weeks (okay, who am I kidding, it might take a couple months!), I'll try to share a little bit of what I learned. I've already put into practice some of the stuff (from a session called "Connecting While Correcting") and I can tell it's already making a difference. I have 8 posts (started, not finished!) that I will share that will maybe help you begin to see that there is joy in parenting a child from a hard place (and parenting in general).
If you're here, reading this post and you're struggling with parenting your child(ren), I want to tell you, there is HOPE, there is help and you CAN do this (whether the child is adopted or bio)! I would encourage you to check out empoweredtoconnect.org. A lot of the information that was shared in that breakout session came from this ministry. Another great resource is TCU. We watched a couple of scenarios from some of their DVDs and they were very insightful. Here's an article that covers just one of the techniques talked about and at first, I was one who scoffed, but then the speaker tied it into our Christian walk w/God and holy cow, I felt very convicted. So, be prepared. ;)
I'm grateful for the group of ladies who put this conference together! I just wish it could have been longer! ;)
This weekend I was blessed to attend the first ever adoption retreat called Joy in the Journey. Such a wonderful, refreshing weekend that left me feeling like there is hope, that maybe I (with Jesus' help!) can do this thing called parenting. There was also lots of connecting and reconnecting with about 90 other women, having fun and worshiping Jesus with other mommies who just "get it" when it comes to adoption. I've come to realize just how important having this fellowship with these adoptive moms (and families) is. I'm so thankful for each of the speakers, for their honesty and transparency while sharing their heart for adoption. I walked away a changed mommy and wife with more wisdom, insight and tools than I can wrap my brain around!
Over the next few weeks (okay, who am I kidding, it might take a couple months!), I'll try to share a little bit of what I learned. I've already put into practice some of the stuff (from a session called "Connecting While Correcting") and I can tell it's already making a difference. I have 8 posts (started, not finished!) that I will share that will maybe help you begin to see that there is joy in parenting a child from a hard place (and parenting in general).
If you're here, reading this post and you're struggling with parenting your child(ren), I want to tell you, there is HOPE, there is help and you CAN do this (whether the child is adopted or bio)! I would encourage you to check out empoweredtoconnect.org. A lot of the information that was shared in that breakout session came from this ministry. Another great resource is TCU. We watched a couple of scenarios from some of their DVDs and they were very insightful. Here's an article that covers just one of the techniques talked about and at first, I was one who scoffed, but then the speaker tied it into our Christian walk w/God and holy cow, I felt very convicted. So, be prepared. ;)
I'm grateful for the group of ladies who put this conference together! I just wish it could have been longer! ;)
This is the wonderful group of THOGL mommies
(Photo by ScrapLace Studio)
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Word for the Year
My word for the year is REST {Relying Entirely on the Savior's Timing}. It's as though God whispered it to me as I was laying in bed last night. I have such a hard time with this. Waiting on God. I am a planner at heart and so when God lays something on my heart - like adoption - I just want to get it planned out and done. In my timing. As soon as I am ready. But God has really been teaching me over the last few years that His timing is best, even when it doesn't make sense. But, all I have to do is look at my daughter and realize He is right. It's all in His time and everything tends to work out best that way.
My verse for the year is Psalms 37:5 -"Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass." (And again, might I add to the end of that verse for my sake, "in His time".)
So do you do a word for the year? Or choose a verse for the year? What did you choose for this year?
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