For starters, if you have a child "from a hard place" or that suffered trauma before/during/after birth, you might need to let go of every technique you've heard used. Good, bad or ugly. The Christian-based ones and those based on the opinions of your parents, friends, relatives, etc, because, I'm here to tell you, these methods may not be very effective with your child. And I wish that's what people would understand - every child is different and you have to develop and use what works with your child.
There is a bonding cycle that every child, no matter what age and no matter when they enter your life, will go through. If you make it through the cycle correctly, it will foster trust between you and the child and develop a healthy attachment. If it's not done correctly, you will struggle with this child possibly his whole life. Here is the way that cycle should look:
There is also what's referred to as the "lower cycle", between "baby cries" (or arousal) and "needs met by caregiver" (or response). It's here where, I think, most parents begin to loose their cool with their child. This lower cycle happens because we respond to the child's behavior, rather than addressing the need causing the behavior. One way to try and figure out the cause is to go through what the speaker called HATS, an acronym that stands for (H)unger, (A)nger, (T)ired, (S)ick. (I would add - (P)ain to it to make it PHATS. Maleeya is having growing pains right now, and I'm not sure it would fall under one of the other categories, but it definitely affects her. Teething is another major one that we went through. I think emotional pain could also fall under this category.)
You can assume that your child is acting the way he is because he's having one of these issues. And we learned that when a child is stuck in one of these 4 (or 5) issues, their brains can not function normally, they lose their ability to self-regulate. So the whining, fussing, crying, etc, is happening to alert you to their issue, and until you take the time to figure out what the issue is, the behavior will not stop. This means, you need to stop what you're doing and take the time to address your child. For older children, you can go through each one of the issues and ask them what's wrong, and hopefully they will be able to verbalize what they need. For a younger child, you may have to try several different options - give her a snack, check to see if something she's wearing, touching, etc is bothering her, you may have to lay down with her and see if she just needs to rest or maybe she's beginning to get sick (or maybe she's teething, having growing pains, etc.).
One thing addressed in conjunction with this info was schedules. I was 110% in favor of one when we brought our daughter home. And she had been on one from the time she arrived into care. (Side note, there is NOTHING wrong with schedules! For some they work, for others, they don't. Sometimes, especially in institutionalized care, they're definitely needed. The main point was that schedules will affect a child's brain, depending on how she was responded to if she gets off the schedule.) One thing to keep in mind with schedules is that a child's needs change and we need to allow room for those changes. There will be times where there are anomalies: grow spurts, a feeding in which the child didn't eat, teething, learning new things, etc., and all of these things will affect a child's behavior in some way. Or maybe she could just use some quality time with Mommy or Daddy. While children do need structure, they need the nurture as well. I think oftentimes as parents we use schedules/structure because it's more convenient for us. Getting your child down for a nap or to bed at a certain time is very convenient, but I realized after last weekend, I had been doing it because I wanted some down time or wanted some time to relax before going to bed.
If you take anything away from this post, it's that attachment is very important in those early days/months/years of a child's life (and this is true whether the child is bio or adopted). Oftentimes with adoption we don't always get to be the one providing care for the child in those early years. The great thing though, is that you can go through the attachment cycle with your child at any age, thus effectively rewiring the child's brain. The older the child, the harder it may be and the more time and effort it may take, but it is possible. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you're struggling with this (another valuable lesson learned at the retreat!). Seek out professional help if necessary. But don't give up. Just when I wondered if we were actually going to get through to Maleeya or if we would have to deal with her behavior for another couple of years while she is going through "the toddler stage", I started using some of the techniques the speaker talked about, and we're already noticing a difference. It's never too late!
In the next blog post, I'll try to talk about some of those parenting techniques.
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