It's Not Her Fault

At the Joy in the Journey retreat, I attended 3 different breakout sessions. The first was entitled, "Not What I Expected", the second was "Connecting While Correcting" and the last was a panel of adopted adults. While they were all VERY good and VERY insightful, probably the most impacting and life-changing was the second one, "Connecting While Correcting". Seriously. I had NO idea so much information that was going to help me parent could be contained in a 2-hour session.

Since we brought our daughter home as an "infant" - 7.5 months, I never really thought she would have attachment issues or be a child from "a hard place". And now that she's 3, I've just thought of her "issues" (although none of them are major!), as being typical toddler behavior. But after this weekend, I learned that while in her birth mom's tummy, things happened to her that were out of her control that affected the wiring of her brain.

We also learned that while in utero, the birth mother's cortisol levels are passed on to the baby. Studies have found that if you measure the amount of cortisol in a baby's brain at birth it will actually match the mother's. So, if the mom is under a lot of stress through the pregnancy, the baby is, too, and that is affecting the way the child's brain is wired. Then if there's trauma while giving birth, it also affects the child's brain. And on top of all of that, if the child has to spend any time away from the mom in an incubator or a NICU unit, not receiving a loving touch, they're already beginning to associate touch with pain (because most of the touch they will receive is poking and prodding). This is why there are children who have some sensory processing disorders. (Another issue that can arise with orphaned children is when there are unresponsive caregivers, either the parents or the staff at the orphanage. This will begin to "teach" the child that when they have a need, no one will be there to meet it.)

Now, before you get depressed and start thinking "well, my child has gone through all of that...I guess they're just stuck like that", there is GOOD news! A child's brain CAN be rewired! At any age!

Here are some resources to check out if you think you have a child suffering because of this...because, truly, it's not her fault!

Is it adoption related? video

Understanding sensory processing video

Handout on Empowering Our Kids To Succeed