I've had a few people ask me about the adoption process recently, so I thought I would try and write a few things down. Okay, this is a little long, so bear with me. :) (And a note to other adoptive parents - if you find errors in this, please let me know!)
You've just made a wonderful decision that will impact the rest of your life! Congratulations! Now that you've decided to adopt though, there are even more decisions to make.
For starters, you need to decide whether you want to adopt internationally or domestically (and if domestic, will it be a newborn or through the foster care system). Once you decide on domestic or international adoption, you need to get a home study done (more on that later). You have a couple of options here as well. You can find an attorney who has the ability to write up a home study for you or you can choose an agency. (We chose the attorney - if you do, you need to make sure they have the ability to write the home study in such a way that it will be accepted by whatever country/state you are adopting from. This probably becomes more of an issue if you choose international adoption.)
There are pros and cons for both domestic and international adoption. If you're wanting a fairly quick process, domestic would probably be your best bet. And, if you are open to other ethnic groups besides Caucasians, you could be matched much more quickly. Granted there are lots of variables that could potentially mean some delays, if you are chosen by a birth mom you're looking at bringing a baby home in about 6 months or so. The variables come with: #1. The birth mother choosing you and your spouse and #2. The birth mother still choosing adoption once she gives birth. She can still change her mind. And then, if she does choose to move forward with the adoption, you need to make sure your attorney/agency gets both her and the birth father's signature on the papers to ensure the decision to adopt can 't be overturned. (I think the birth mother may have up to 6 months to change her mind after the birth - so even though you have cared for this child and she has become yours in every way, you can't complete the adoption for 6 months, meaning the child won't legally have your last name and the birth mother could decide she wants to take the baby back.) Ask these questions before proceeding with an adoption, you don't want to have any surprises after you bring the child home. Another pro with domestic adoptions is that you're not necessarily ineligible to adopt based on your age or years you've been married. (Several couples know from the time they get married that they want a big family and want to adopt; unfortunately many countries place restrictions on couples based on age or how long they've been married.) One other pro is that you won't automatically be disqualified to adopt from the US because you don't make enough money or have a BMI in a certain range or have a handicap of some sort.
Another good thing about domestic adoption is that it gives you the chance to bring home a newborn child. But the down side of that is that you have a newborn. ;) Another thing to consider with domestic adoption is that there could be lots of unknowns with the birth mom. Has she taken care of herself during her pregnancy? Has there been any smoking, drinking or drugs during those critical months? Has she had prenatal care? Will she stay in touch with you/the agency? Or will she disappear after you are matched with her? Domestic adoptions don't typically arise from teenage pregnancies, too many kids already at home, the child being the wrong gender or a family unable to care for the child, but that's not to say that won't be the reason (as compared to international adoptions). Many domestic adoptions happen because there are some defects detected and the mother doesn't want that particular child. (Again, this is not the only reason!) As far as a cost comparison, I would say domestic and international (at least for several countries) are about equal. The one exception to this is if you can "hire" a private attorney, but get a cost schedule up front. Some do adoptions because they have a heart for it, others do it because (unfortunately) it is a money-making business. Or, if you happen to know a girl who becomes pregnant and wants to give up the child and chooses you because she knows you or your family, costs will be significantly less.
Whew, so that was a (very!) brief look at domestic adoptions (I'm not going to touch foster-to-adopt because it's very complicated; if you are interested in becoming a foster parent, contact your local TFI agency. I will say it is cheaper than domestic and international, but it doesn't come without possible heartache. You may foster a child for several years, but if and when the child comes up for adoption, you are not guaranteed the state will grant you custody. Other foster parents and distance blood relatives to that child can contend for custody. But, if you are willing to just be a positive influence for no matter how long, there are lots of children in need of help), now we will scratch the surface of international adoptions.
In choosing international adoption, you can't just leave it at that. Meaning, you have to choose a specific country to adopt from. There are lots and lots of countries to choose from, each with pros and cons. If you are open to any ethnic group, then the sky is the limit. Some countries, like I mentioned before, may restrict whether you can adopt from there based on a combination of your age and/or how long you've married. (The three specific ones I can think of are China, Haiti and the Democratic Republic of Congo, although there may be others. Sometimes they do allow exceptions, especially if you decide to pursue a waiting child, so check into them before writing them off.) There are a couple of countries that require you have a combined income/assets of a certain amount and a BMI in a specific range, most notably Korea.
Based on which country you choose, will depend on how your home study is written (which doesn't necessarily mean anything for you, but you will need to let the attorney or agency know your choice). Once you choose a country, you can then choose an agency, unless you can find a private orphanage that doesn't require an agency (but starting in the summer of 2014, you will not be able to adopt without going through an agency...compliments of our government). Personally, I would pause to do some research on the country/agency before proceeding. Talk to friends, do some online research, check out blogs and most definitely pray about it. There have been some big, notable changes in a few countries recently, so make sure adoptions are still proceeding as normal. Also, the more popular the country is as far as adoptions, the longer the wait time (Ethiopia is the one country that comes to mind.)
Okay, I'm sure your head is spinning now...what you can also do if you don't have a lot of time to do research, is sign on with an agency first and ask them lots and lots of questions on which country would be the best fit for you. Just check out the agency first. You do need to know that not every agency is set up to do adoptions in every country. If you have no personal connection or preference to a country, then I would sign with an agency first.
So, you have an agency and a country...now what? You need a home study done. Okay, back up a small step. You do need to specify a gender and an age, because, like a country, this needs to be specific in a home study. Unfortunately it can't be left open-ended. :-/ This can be a small range, 0-6 months or a larger one, ages 0-5. You can also request a boy or girl. You also need to decide if you'll be open to any special needs, from small, surgically correctable ones to larger, long-term care required ones or a completely healthy child. (And you are not a bad person whatever you choose! You need to think about you and your family and be honest with your social worker/attorney.) And one more thing - you can request 1 child or multiple children.
So what exactly are home studies? In a word, are done to say that you are capable of being a parent. They are invasive and time consuming. They are obnoxious and frustrating. Just telling you this upfront. They will investigate every inch of your life and will want everything except your firstborn. This report has the power to say whether or not you can bring a child home. (Now, just a word of advice here - if at all possible, find an attorney to do your home study. They are much less invasive and are a little more personable.) Expect them to want no less than your bank statements, tax returns, employment records, background checks, a physical by your doctor (which could include a blood/urine sample) and an extensive check of your home inside and out. You may have to purchase additional items for your home like outlet covers, smoke/carbon monoxide detectors, fire extinguishers, baby gates and fences for your back yard.
After about 4-6 months, several visits by a social worker and about $2,000-$3,000 later, you will hopefully get a favorable determination back and a report that's the size of a small book. Congratulations, you are now ready to move forward with your adoption. Expect several delays and several requests for more information during this process. Now, the home study is good for 2 years. So hopefully you'll be able to complete your adoption during that time. If not, you'll have to pay more money to get it renewed.
To recap, you now have signed on with an agency, you have chosen a country and you have a home study in hand. NOW you're ready to move forward. At this point, you could choose to find a waiting child. There are a couple of websites that list children already waiting for a family. (But you may want to check on waiting children first, so you know what country he or she is in so you don't have to change your home study later.) If you decide you would like to get on a waiting list, you will begin compiling what's called a "dossier". This is a French word meaning "a bundle of papers with a label on the back or spine". And that's just what it is - a BIG pile of paperwork that kind of correlate to your home study. Essentially, it's the paperwork to back up what was found by the social worker/attorney for the home study. Everything you need will be outlined by your agency. They are there to help you. If you get stuck or need some more information, call them. If something doesn't make sense, email them. Here is also a good time for you to see how helpful your agency will be. If they're slow to answer (taking 4 or 5 days or longer to return an email or phone call) or are not helpful or are rude, consider changing agencies. At this point in your adoption, they need to be on your team. You need to be able to count on them. Things won't magically get better just because you are matched with a child.
Anyway, it will look like you have to scale a mountain by the time you get the dossier completed. But hang in there, you will make it! :) Expect this paper chase to take anywhere from 2 weeks to 6 months depending on how much time you have to devote to it.
Once you complete the dossier, you will then be ready to get placed on a waiting list for the country you chose. Based on your age/gender specifications will determine where you fall on the waiting list. If you are open to either gender and a bigger age range, you will have a shorter waiting time. If you want a healthy infant, i.e. 0-12 months, expect a much longer waiting time.
At this point, you may be thinking you made a mistake by choosing this journey. But, hang in there, it will be worth it! Promise! You are almost there - at least the paperwork part. Then you will start the waiting game. This varies greatly based on the country you choose and the age/gender of the child you requested. It could be 6 months or less or it could take up to a year. Brace yourself.
At some point you need to file the I-600a document and possibly the I-600. Ask your agency if and when you need to file. Each of these has an expiration date (with the possibility of a one-time extension), so you don't want to file them too soon just to have them expire before you are even matched with a child.
So the day finally comes that you get matched with your precious child - congratulations! (Some agencies may call you and let you know of the child they have for you, others may email, ask which your agency will use.) You will most likely receive one or more pictures and some documents showing their health history and possibly some info on how he or she became an orphan. At this point you can take those health documents to an experience physician to review (hopefully one that has some experience or knowledge of possible health issues of the country you're adopting from). If you don't get any background info on the circumstances of how the child became an orphan, ask. You deserve to know and the agency should have some insight into their story. Please understand that while most agencies do the legwork and investigate these children beforehand, others oftentimes turn their head and don't ask any questions. You also have the option of hiring a private investigator if something just isn't adding up.
But if everything is okay and you decide to pursue this specific child, then how things will go from here will vary greatly. Haiti, for example, requires you to come down there for up to 2 weeks within 15 days after you accept the referral, other countries don't require you to do anything, they simply submit your case to court. Once you have a court date, some countries want you to come down for that initial court date and stay for a few days up to a few weeks, while others have you sign paperwork giving them power of attorney and they will go to court for you. After the court date, your country will need some documents in place before proceeding to ensure the child is an orphan and the birth parents have signed away their rights. This part can take a couple of months up to several months. Then once their government has all the proper documentation in place, your case may be submitted to the country's embassy or you may simply get a travel date.
Now things are about to get exciting! In just a couple of short weeks you will be (re)united with your child! Forever!!! Nothing could ever change that now. Once you have that child in your arms, she is yours forever! No one can come back and take her away! For some, this is the ultimate factor in deciding between domestic and international adoption. The finality of it. (Now, things can happen up until the court date, and you may "loose" that child. You're not supposed to lose your child after that court date since at that time, she becomes legally yours, but some countries have been known to allow parents/relatives to come back and claim the child for money.)
Now, again, that was just an overview of domestic and international adoption. There are lots of variables and possibilities and things to think and pray about, but hopefully in the end, it will mean you bring home your child. Forever.
I didn't paint a pretty picture, I realize, but I don't want people to go into it with blinders on either. This is a big decision filled with lots of ups and downs. It's hard, sometimes it's painful. But, IT IS ALL WORTH IT. The child you hold in your arms will wipe away all that pain and all those tears. Keep fighting. Keep pushing forward. You can do this. You're not alone and you're not the first to venture down this path. It's amazing to find the wonderful family you gain through this, all the people that will come along beside you to help and support you. Even after you bring your child home. (Because, if adoptive parents are being honest, things don't necessarily get easier just because you brought the child home.)
People want to say that adoption is "the easy way out", but after reading this I think you'll see that it's just the opposite. It's the hardest, most gut-wrenching, trying things you'll ever go through. And yet, the most rewarding. The most exciting. You'll look back and wonder what your life was like before this child. And adopted or not, this child is yours. Forever.
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