4 months

We hit the 4 month mark this past week. Four months since finding out we lost a daughter. Our daughter. A little girl who stole our hearts from the moment we saw her sweet little face. A face that changed our lives forever. 

The "whys" have come flooding back over the last couple of weeks. And I hate it. It's hard. And it's ugly. I miss her. I know, impossible, right? It's weird how a child can do that to you when you've never even met them. But, that's adoption. Makes you an emotional mess. :) (But the mess is all worth it, I promise! Think of cooking your absolute favorite meal...you know, the one that takes all day to prepare. And it leaves your kitchen an absolute disaster. But, the moment that food hits your mouth, the mess disappears as you savor that delicious bite...and you realize you'd do it all over again because it was so good...yeah, that's adoption.) 

I still have days where I just want to hug her. Squeeze her. Never let her go. To see her beautiful face in person. To know if she's okay...even now thinking about her is hard. It brings tears to my eyes. I wanted her. So bad. I wanted her to be a big sister to Maleeya. I wanted to see the two of them playing together. Knowing that will never happen is hard to swallow sometimes. 

It doesn't help that I really thought by now we'd have a referral from somewhere...be well on our way to bringing home our next child...and maybe that's why these last few weeks have been a little difficult. Because we're not...still hoping and praying that we will soon though. 

And we've been around other (wonderful, awesome and super sweet!) adoptive families this past week, which has been great, but it has been hard, too. Any time we talk about adoption, Noella is always at the back of my mind. And I need to be around these families. These people we now call friends. While it's hard, it's nice, too. To know some of them have been down the same road and can empathize with what we're going through. 

Here's hoping and praying we find something out this month and can start moving forward. I'm tired of feeling like we're floundering. Stuck in the middle of an ocean with no hope in sight. Praying for all those in the same...boat though. (Didn't mean to do that, it just worked out that way.) So, here's to holding out hope and believing in God's timing. 

⚓