honesty...after 6 months

Honesty...the straight truth...it's hard sometimes. being willing to confess what's really going on and how you really feel all the while knowing that you will be judged for it. it really makes you vulnerable, you know? oh well, let's hope honesty is the best policy. even if it's not, I just need a moment to get some things off my chest. I'm venting. and this post is a little lengthy. you've been warned. ;)

I've always looked forward to being a parent. envisioned those times where I would be able to cuddle with my sweet little love bug. rock him or her to sleep at night, while holding his/her cute little hands, maybe read him/her a book or two. our days would be filled with playing, running, being silly, and of course, nap time. I'd never believed in schedules - why not just let the kid tell you when they wanted to eat or play or lay down? and then we got home w/our little monkey.

we were told she was one-of-a-kind, that they'd never had another baby like her. she had a scream that let you know she wanted something...or maybe just to get your attention. and they were right.

now to give a little background...I've been around children all my life. seriously. all my life. babysat form the time I probably still needed a babysitter. volunteered for the church nursery. worked at Bible schools as a helper and then as a teacher. worked at a couple different daycares (in the infant & toddler rooms). needless to say, I "know" kids. I fed many bottles, changed what seems like thousands of diapers, laid many-a-child down for naptime and picked up more toys than I care to count. I was sooooo ready to be a parent. it couldn't be that hard, could it? (feel free to insert laughter here)

oh boy...nothing could have prepared me for the little whirlwind named Maleeya Grace. nothing. there is not a child out there that I could have babysat or been around or helped out with that could have prepared me to have been a parent to her. NOTHING. I think the number of gray hairs I had has now doubled. maybe tripled. the girl is downright stubborn. very hardheaded. and she has a temper that could equal an adult's. no joke. oh, and her scream? wow. she has the lungs of...well...I'm not sure what, but this girl can scream. forever. and we've come close to experiencing the "forever" part of that. ;)

needless to say, it has been a hard very difficult 6 months. the amount of sleep I had been getting has not only been cut in half (and I had only been getting b/twn 8-10 hours before), but I'm now up no less than twice a night (which means we're not getting a "good" nights sleep). friends we once had are nowhere to be found. our house is a disaster zone. I'm stressed out. time spent with my husband is more of a rare occurrence than the norm. there is not enough time in the day now (as if it has changed any...). and I think I've lost a day out of the weekends. bath time and bed time are a nightmare. I look forward to getting home at night, but when 7:30 rolls around I want to run away and hide.

when we stepped off that airplane in August, I had hoped/dreamed we would be met with a crowd of people, with signs and banners, sporting t-shirts with some sort of adoption theme, lots of smiles and hugs and tons of camera flashes. but that didn't happen (however, I do want to say I am thankful my parents could be there for us!). I also didn't expect to have a 7.5 month old either. I had envisioned a 4 or 5 month old. maybe 6 months at the oldest. I'm not sure it would have made a difference though. :-\

I thought for the next 8 weeks people would come by and see us (after all, they were sooo excited for us and couldn't wait to meet this little girl). maybe bring us lunch or supper a few times a week. but that didn't happen. none of our "friends" stopped in to see Maleeya & me during the day. we had supper brought to us once. because of some rough nights and the occasional sickness, our church attendance dropped and all of the sudden, people we considered friends had moved on. aside from the occasional "hi" at church, we didn't hear from anyone during the week (and pretty much still don't). it's like they don't care. they don't bother to ask how we are or how things are going (unless they see us at church). (just a side note here...I am thankful for all the new friends we've been able to make through this adoption...I'm blessed to know some of the greatest women I've ever met now...just wished ya'll lived closer!)

I think being an adoptive parent is probably harder than having a child (no, not the labor/birth part, the newborn baby part). you bring home a child that already has thoughts, wants, needs, opinions, temperaments in place. you don't get that "blank slate" baby. not to mention the fact that they have a previously set schedule in place and then you move them half way around the world and try and get them back on said schedule. (this was next to impossible for us!) as much as we tried, Maleeya did not want to get back on that schedule (we even kept a journal for several weeks to try and be strict about the schedule). she wouldn't nap for anything. and we're still working on getting her to sleep through the night. it hasn't helped that she's been teething since we brought her home. she had 2 teeth and now she has 8 (and they've come in 2 at a time). she went from barely crawling to being a lightening fast crawler to now walking (& almost running!) everywhere. I realize she's been going through some changes and hitting some milestones, which means difficulty sleeping and mood changes. she's also in daycare which also throws everything off, too. I get that. but I thought after 6 months we'd be closer to the "normal" I'd envisioned.

oh well. she does put a smile on my face when I get home at night. hubby & I have never laughed so much in our lives (she now tells "jokes" - it's hilarious!). and she does cuddle when she's tired. occasionally. I guess you can't have everything, right? :)

okay, that's all for the venting. there will be more positive posts to follow. I assure you! :) I will probably follow up this one to the good things that have gone on in the last 6 months...

so, there...it's not been a bed of roses for us. it's been hard. downright hard. would I do it again? absolutely! would I trade Maleeya for an easier child? umm...no. (I'm a little tired and cranky right now, thus the hesitation...) ;) in all seriousness, I love my baby. she is a beautiful blessing from the Lord. she has an amazing story already and I know that God has HUGE plans for her. I just pray that we can be the parents we need to be to her to help her reach her potential!