It's Sunday night at 1:15 in the morning and I'm still up. I've had a bad habit lately of staying up too late and then sleeping in later. :\ But I still manage to get things done...the house is very clean right now as I have been trying to do some "Spring cleaning" - just a few months late. :) We have a second bedroom that we have yet to use and we've been here 2 years now. It's still got some boxes that we have yet to unpack...that is my project this week. We'll see how far I get. :)
I can't believe summer is almost over - it feels like it should just be starting. It's kind of been a rough summer, although it started out pretty good. I finally got a job after 6 months of looking at a credit union in Pittsburg. I really liked it there - it was a good experience, but 7 weeks after working there, they let me go. :( I cried all the way home. It didn't make any sense (and still doesn't), but the hurt and anger is beginning to dissipate...I think. I know there was nothing that I could/would have done differently, but that does little is dispel the hurt.
I've really been struggling lately in my Christian walk and losing my job I think, only added to the struggle. It seems like all of my prayers are bouncing off the ceiling. Anymore, I feel like I'm a bad person. Nothing seems to be going right for me, or for us. And it seems like the more I pray about something, just the opposite of what I am praying for happens, if anything happens at all. There are so many things going on in my life that most people don't know about. I don't want to be a baby and whine all the time or act like life sucks all the time, either, but sometimes, and here lately especially, it has been difficult to keep a smile on my face. So many "good" things seem to be happening for everyone else, but not me. My husband and I are fighting more since I lost my job, so that has also been very frustrating. Money seems to be the focal point of the fights and sometimes I feel like he is blaming me for the trouble we have since I lost my job (and I haven't found another one yet).
Kids have also been a "hot" topic. We have been trying to have kids now for a year, and have had 1 miscarriage in that year (2 total now). I'm ready now and Adam is very laid back about it. Maybe it's just a guy thing, I don't know. Since we haven't been able to have our own kids yet, I want to look into adoption and yes, that too, has become kind of a sore spot. I guess the talk of adoption has really come to the forefront after a situation in our community came up. I'm not sure Adam has quite warmed up to it yet, but it's only because he wants his own first. He said, his grandpa was the first Montee, then his dad was, and then of course, he was, and so he doesn't know how to take it if our first boy is adopted. I don't know what to think.
Church has also been frustrating for us. We haven't been to church on Wednesday nights for awhile now. We didn't like the literature being used, and it seems like we are the only ones who don't. We weren't getting anything from it and maybe that's part of my problem now. Maybe I'm stagnant in my walk with Christ. I don't read my Bible like I should and we're only Sunday Christians right now (and a lot of times, only Sunday mornings). However, we did find out today they have totally switched literature, so we might give it a try again. We don't have many friends in the church, and we often feel out of place there. But, I often even feel out of place with everyone, including family. I don't even feel very close to Adam any more. I'm also PMSing right now, so that could be part of it, too.
Oui vay. I don't know where to go from here. Aside from bed, I guess. "My Wife & Kids" is on now, so I will probably finish watching it, but then hit the sack. I'm so tired. Oh the joys of being a woman. :) I'll be glad when I'm done with this cycle.
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